gotta learn to let me go over the rainbow

In less than a week, I will be moving back to Madrid. For me, a five week trip feels like a long vacation, but for others, five weeks is moving. So I will settle with somewhere in between. As I get ready to go back to Madrid, I find myself lost in a sea of thoughts about where I was when I left that city and who I was, what I was looking forward to, what I was leaving behind.

So much of my life in Madrid was like a fairy tale. I was living out a dream to live abroad. I was speaking a language I love. I met incredible people. I was traveling all the time. But I also didn't feel fulfilled. I hated the feeling that my most unique skills and passions weren't at work. I was acutely aware that that life wasn't real life. But for me, Madrid is a very special place. I left a large chunk of my heart there.  I have to agree with Amos Lee, we all need a place that we can go and feel over the rainbow. One of those places for me is most certainly Madrid.

I am filled with energy, excitement and enthusiasm about returning. I will live with my old roommate in our old neighborhood. I will see all of my closest friends many of whom have left Madrid but will be returning for a special reunion in July. I feel unbelievably blessed to be able to go back. It's like the stars have aligned. I'm speechless to think about it all coming together. It's no longer a plan or an idea, its real. I am returning to one of my favorite cities. I cannot believe that I get to show Brian another piece of my heart. In Spanish, that last sentence would translate into a verb that actually really means "teach." I will teach him about that piece of my heart, teach him about that place that I called home, that city that taught me. In just six days, I will be roaming my favorite old streets, eating favorite foods and... it's overwhelming all of my senses.

"Well I walked over the bridge, into the city where I lived and I saw my old landlord. 

We both said hello, and there was no where left to go cause his rent I couldn't afford

Well, relationships change 

and I think it's kinda strange how money makes a man grow

but the people on the street, on buses and on feet - we all got the same blood flow. 

we all need a place that we can go and feel over the rainbow!

sometimes, we forget what we got, who we are and who we are not. 

I'm in love with a girl who's in love with the world

though I can't help but follow

though I know that someday she is bound to go away and stay over the rainbow

gotta learn to let her go over the rainbow."

-Amos Lee, Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight 

 

You are very TALL

There is an intriguing cautious line that has been taunting me at work. I try not to be overly reflective, but it's been difficult for me to ignore where I was this time last year. This time last year I was in Rwanda, a country that taught me so many things, challenged and stretched me. I suppose this is the value of a true experience - a gift that keeps giving, keeps teaching.

Working for IJM, I learned to be bold. I learned how skilled I actually am. I learned to appreciate that I am a valued asset to an office. I learned that I did not need to be told what to do; I needed to seek out things to do. I observed a group of people that worked tirelessly toward improving anything and everything around them despite the odds and challenges fighting against all their efforts.

Our clients at Christian Legal Aid have no other resource or other option.

On one hand, I am a stupid law student with mediocre grades at a run-of-the-mill law school. I have little experience, and I have absolutely no clue what I am doing. I am not bar certified, I have not taken several key required courses. I have little experience with the California court system. I have never been in poverty or in the awful situations my clients are in. I am impatient and get frustrated when speaking with a mentally ill client who cannot express herself very well. I am not an attorney! I have a long ways to go.

On the other hand, I am an American law student with a lot of experience. I survived Rwanda for Pete's sake! I know how to Google. I have a computer and a working printer with ink and paper. I can read a court document and begin to fill it out. I can encourage a client. I have a smile to offer. I can ask questions that lead me to answers as I continue to research for a solution. I can learn. I am more of an attorney than I am not an attorney. I have no straightjacket on.

Our clients have no other resource or other option. If I can't do it, nobody can. And so I am a can-do almost- attorney. There is no other choice. Thus, you also are a can-do person. You are a person of great assets, of great resources, who can be of great assistance. Get out there and give someone whatever you have to offer. Don't say 'oh well.'  Further, we believe in someone who is the great I AM. And so, when you are feeling crippled by all the things you are not, hold fast to your believe in the I AM. And through Him, you can do ANYTHING. This is how law school teaches you- by throwing you into the deep end and watching you struggle to doggy paddle until you wake up to realize you're actually swimming just fine in an olympic race.

So this is a plea for you to fight the line between feeling like you "can't" and just standing up and getting it done. A few travel friends and mine always say, "Figure it out!" when we are traveling. Whatever challenge, obstacle or bridge you have to cross, you CAN DO IT.

And for those out there who you think you cannot help, the smallest thing you have to give could be the greatest thing they've ever received.
It is a powerfully humbling thing to be a part of.
Join in.

Wolf!

This summer I am working in legal aid. The organization seeks to help bridge the dramatic gap between those who are in need of legal services and those who cannot afford it. The deeper I move into attempting to understand poverty, the more I see that it is like a fragile collection of dominoes balancing on the thinnest and most unsturdy of surfaces. When one thing goes wrong, it all comes tumbling down. 

In almost four weeks of work, I have met fourteen clients. Every single one of them has had a compelling story to tell. As my work is winding down and I am preparing for a new phase of the summer in Madrid, it is my sincere hope to get to share many of their stories with y'all. 

One major theme that has really hit me is the incredible power of words. Two clients I've met were accused of child abuse, and both claimed that they did nothing to deserve such awful accusations. One's accuser was an ex-spouse, and another was a rowdy teenage daughter. I found myself a bit surprised at the gender assumptions I felt when the man sat in front of me telling me that these accusations were false. Yet when the woman sat in front of me crying, I found it easier to believe her words. 

The ethical challenges of dealing with clients are a major component of being an attorney. What do you do when you do not believe a client? How do you react when you think one is lying to your face? Do you write a declaration to be submitted to court when you think the story you're writing is false? Do you probe the client? Do you fail your client by being skeptical and refusing to help him just because his story has no evidence? Do you fail the next client that needs your time by spending time with someone who is not being honest with you? Thankfully I take solace in learning to navigate such gray areas by knowing these are determinations for a judge-- these are determinations for the real Judge. 

For the poorest of the poor, such an accusation is not merely a legal problem. An accusation of child abuse affects the marital relations or the divorce proceedings, it affects custody, it involves Child Services, it means time off of work which means less income and potentially losing a job upon the employer learning of such a grave accusation. It means further damage to the relationship with those children, it means needing to access a computer or resources that you do not have. What seems like one legal problem quickly multiplies and becomes four legal issues that all need attention, time, and hours spent in courtrooms. It costs money. It costs a lot of money that you do not have. 

I find it a bitter and terrifying realization to know that there is no evidence to stand against the boy who cried wolf. There is nothing that can appropriately counter the accusation of abuse, or of rape, or of cheating. Somehow the power of "He hit me" is infinitely stronger than "I didn't!" Somehow, there is no requirement of a medical exam or photos or another witness to the abuse. But there is some requirement to show that you did not do something. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying that I think in order to charge or prosecute a rape victim or an abuser that we need a witness or some hard evidence. What I am saying, is that these are subtle underlying teaching moments in the fable we all grew up reading that I am just now learning. It's the opposite of the story.  The fable ends with the line, "Nobody believes a liar...even when he is telling the truth!" The problem is that sometimes, the words are so damaging and so heavy, that no body believes the truth against a liar.