Home is NOT Places

This was previously posted unfinished in error. I apologize!

“Feel it burn in my soul, like a wound that is exposed

I need to run, I need to go.

I took my time, I got no more.

So take me somewhere I don’t know

‘cause home is not places, it is LOVE.

I told myself that it was fine.

No shame in the dotted lines.

But then, I woke in the night and raised my fist for a fight!

So, take me somewhere I don't know 'cause home is not places, it is love."

-Home Is Not Places, The Apache Relay

Wow! Had such a spectacular time in Atlanta. It’s always just beyond incredible to be home. I was proud of myself for actually managing my time well. Not only did I clear out ten bags of trash and organize several boxes to be donated, I found some awesome jewels squirreled away. Here a few of them:

Every Congratulations card from when I was born.

I also spent A LOT of quality time with a few of my absolute favorite people with some of my favorite foods in some of my favorite places.

With the help of a cherished family friend, I made my first ever batch of fried okra, and feasted with some of my favorite southern foods: mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, baked beans, cole slaw, VENISON from the farm this season, and pork chops. I was waddling home. I was on a strict eating schedule in order to get in all my favorite foods, but I was so thrilled to share those foods with such treasured people.

I’m so sad to be returning to CA, but it is also good to be back home.

Home is not places.

It is people.

The California Effect

After a year of living in California, I am heightened to seeing it absolutely everywhere while I am abroad. I see t-shirts walk past me with a colorful sketch and cursive Malibu letters and think, "I go to school there." Tshirts from UCLA or Santa Monica are common too. 

Yesterday, I was on the treadmill at the gym and I observed a student walk onto the treadmill next to me, and select "Los Angeles Run" on her screen as she put her headphones into her ears. I couldn't help but glance over as she was running next to me to see her screen lighting up with images of Palm trees, Venice beach, the Hollywood sign, sidewalk with stars... Incredible! 

It's challenging for people other than Americans to understand that Americans can be from all over the place. So when strangers or new friends ask a group of us (Pepperdine students), "Where are you from?" instead of participating in an ordeal of "I'm from Atlanta, he's from Boston, she's from Michigan, he's from Pittsburg and she's from California... but we all live and go to school in California now." We have deduced this process to "we are from California." One reaction was particularly remarkable when he swooned as if Angelina Jolie had just given him a kiss on the cheek. This is the California effect. Igniting envy in a stranger at the very words- I live in California. Yes, the same one in the movies. THAT Los Angeles. Yes.

Indeed, by many definitions of the word "from," we are from California. I've always battled this question. Where did I come from, as in where was I before London- Rwanda. Some people answer this question with where they were born. Texas. Where have you lived the most amount of time? Georgia. Where do you live now? London. Where am I going back to after London? California. 

Where do you call home? All of these places. 

This is always the time of year that I get homesick. And by homesick, I mean sick for HOME. Interestingly, more and more that seems to be some place between Atlanta and York, Alabama. It's very much both of those places. And it's very much where the people that I hold dearest to me are- which these days is just about all over the world. This only becomes challenging when they gather in one place and I have the worst "fear of missing out" pain in my chest, just burning to be there, with them, at home. As this past weekend was the LSU game in Tuscaloosa, many of my favorite people in the world were in some of my favorite places in the world. And I wanted more than anything to be right there with them. 

But this is the best part about being so far- when I do come home (to any of those homes) to those people, it's going to be the sweetest. It's going to be the best. It's a reunion that makes all the distance and time dissipate completely, and it will be a long series of the tightest of embraces. And for one second I just may whisper that I will not leave again. Although I know that this is something I incessantly chase- and to get it, to truly learn and to discover more of yourself, you just absolutely have to leave home. 

37 days. 

Doors Unlocked and Open

“California, guilded crowns.

Mile markers counting down.

Somewhere down, down in the ocean of sound, we’ll live in slow motion

And be free

The door’s unlocked and opened

The door’s unlocked and opened.”

–Death Cab for Cutie, Doors Unlocked and Open

Bear with me here, because this is an epic post.

And I sincerely hope you can find the time to read every word.

First: the headline—I will be attending Pepperdine University School of Law in the fall! Now, allow me to fill you in on how WE came to this decision and the revolution it took to get me there. Or, I should say, here.

Wow, what an incredible and ridiculous trip this has been and these past two weeks have indeed been particularly ridiculous. I was able to accomplish quite a bit in a short, short period of time. The first few days I distinctly felt like I had only revealed that I had more questions than I did answers and more and more I felt an increasing pressure to make some sacrifice on what I wanted for these upcoming years. I didn’t feel like I found a school that “had everything I wanted.” No, I felt like that didn’t exist. Instead, I was choosing which things I was willing to give up and which things I wasn’t going to compromise on. This was a suffocating feeling, but at least the decision was slowly approaching and becoming clearer. I ended up applying to 26 law schools and I was overwhelmed with blessings at the many, many schools that offered me a place in their 2012 incoming class of future JD students. I never expected to get into so many places and in the end, the great choices that I had increased the difficulty of my decision.

         The burning question this entire decision process has been, “Where do you want to live and practice?” And, flatly, I do not know. I simply do not know the answer to that question. Where you want to live and practice is incredibly important for where you attend law school. That city is where you establish a network, where the most alumni live, where your school will have the most connections for job placement, the state where you will be the most prepared to take the bar and not to mention, the city you are committing to live in for at least three years and most likely through your first job or two.

             I need to rewind. One of the reasons why I have always loved Death Cab For Cutie (a band) is because of Ben Gibbard’s (the lead singer and lyricist) remarkable ability to capture this idea of never quenching wanderlust. Many of their songs discuss “falling in love with an open door” and it is their “You Are A Tourist” that this blog was named after. Read its lyrics in full and then I’ll explain why it’s been so strongly on my heart throughout this entire last few months journey.

“This fire, grows higher…

When there’s a burning in your heart, an endless yearning in your heart, build it BIGGER than the sun, LET IT GROW.

When there’s a burning in your heart, don’t be alarmed…

When there’s a doubt in your mind, ‘cause you’re thinking all the time, framing rights into wrongs- MOVE ALONG.

When there’s a doubt within your mind, when there’s a burning in your heart and you think you’ll burst apart, well, there’s nothing to fear. Save the tears. When there’s a burning in your heart and you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born, it’s time to go and define your destination. There’s so many different places to call home.

Cause when you find yourself a villain in the story you have written, its plain to see that sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemption, would you agree? If so, please show me.

This fire, grows higher…”

Those last few months in Tuscaloosa, I felt like a tourist in this city where much of who I am now was born. I knew that fire to get out of the city and dream chase and live in Europe for a year was something real that had to be pursued. My plan after studying in Spain was to enjoy my senior year, retake the LSAT, live in Europe for a year and then go to law school. It would be a boldfaced lie to say that at times that plan has seems farfetched, out of reach and absurd. But hindsight is always crystal clear, and it’s such a blessing to look back on the tears cried over missing application deadlines or the disappointment with my LSAT score and think, “woah, it all has gone exactly according to plan.” And it really has.

        My months in Spain have taught me many things and in many ways, the most significant thing I have learned has been about myself. Though the fairly recently developed Brown nomadic lifestyle is now deeply ingrained in me, my definition of home has been crystalized.

Home is not Roswell or Tuscaloosa or York or Madrid.

Home is not in Irvine or seat 17F.

Home is a strange combination of all of these places.

Home is in the people that I love that revitalize me, encourage me, bless me, make me happy, make me laugh until my stomach hurts, allow me to call them venting, hold me when I am crying, that read my emails, that listen intently to details of my day, who Facebook stalk my photo albums and who I can pick up with wherever it may be that we left off.

Home is a collection of these places because the people that I love are spread out all over the world. Literally. And so, as for where I want to live and practice law? Well, I want to be a little closer to “home.” That is, the definition of home according to Stephanie Brown. Augustana has a song where he belts, "Do you want to see it, the place where I am free? It lives INSIDE me."

Last Friday (April 6^th) morning, I slept in for the first time in weeks. I woke up to Dad having read all my hours of research and all the brochures and viewbooks I had collected over the last few months. I listened intently as he was on the phone explaining to a friend that the day before after touring two schools fifteen minutes away from his apartment in Orange County, I had crossed them both off the list. He snuck in a few words of disappointment to the man that was the best man in my parents wedding saying, “I would really like her to come to school out here, but it just doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.” I left to lay by the pool and call a friend to explain, whether it was NYC or Miami, they were both incredible options, but they were both so far away from “home”. I was hell-bent though on not sacrificing a better education and better option for my future just because I have friends and family in California. All these thoughts about home and proximity to people that I love and need were not separate from this decision. As ratios, percentages, dollar signs, images and descriptions were all swirling around in my head like a broken radio I couldn’t turn off in my mind, behind all that were these feelings of being sick of being SO far away from everyone.

Friday afternoon, Dad and I were out running errands and we were having a discussion on “THE DECISION.” I had been leaning pretty heavily to New York Law School and imagining walking the halls of the sleek, new building and sharing with strangers on a plane that I live in Manhattan. It’s certainly a dream to live in NYC but after further research and review, University of Miami is just a better fit. Miami Law has everything I could possibly want and more. Though large and with a huge faculty to student ratio, the clinic offerings, the academic programs, the Latin population, the study abroad options, the notoriety, the connections and alumni network are all ideal. And before we knew it, Dad and I had reached a decision. Miami.

We ran into Best Buy for a few things and when we returned to the car, I had an email saying “CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve been accepted to Pepperdine University School of Law!”

I just kept repeating, “DAD!!” I had no other words.

This changed everything.

I delayed my flight to Europe for a week to fly back to LA to see Pepperdine and attend an Admitted Student’s Open House to make my final decision.

At church on Easter, this was my most exciting news to share with anyone and everyone who would listen. Each person made it clear their preference for where my tuition check should go. And who can blame them. Pepperdine has epic things to offer and being accepted feels like a dream. Feels like a life that isn’t actually mine.

After a full day of the Admitted Student’s Open House, it was even clearer than before that Pepperdine is the place for me. Several really incredible interactions took place. I spoke with students who told me they are praying for the incoming class and one girl looked me dead in the eye and said, “You’ll make the right decision and God will lead you here, because Pepperdine is a place where God leads people.” When we met the dean and she introduced herself to us, Dad said, “Well, I think she’s decided to come here!” The dean shrieked in excitement and gave me a hug. Completely thrown off, I stood there, thinking, “Wow, this is the community I am being welcomed by and I can’t wait to get back here.” It was a powerful day and I am so confident that this is the right decision.

I seem to be incapable of finding words profound enough to explain how my blood feels like it is running smoother in my veins. I am incredibly confident that Pepperdine will nurture, feed and build my dreams in a way that no other community would be capable of doing and its such an exciting thought to know the steps that lie ahead may be hard work, but are on the exact path I have been envisioning. Now, its time to go back to Madrid and enjoy my last few months before I sell my blood to the library. I’ve got a new pep in my step feeling like the doors are unlocked and open. I can’t wait for these next few months to be the best yet.

“I’m just in awe of what’s in front of me.” –Empire of the Sun

Looking back on a conversation I had several weeks ago with my boss in Spain, I said, “Pray that I see the name of the school in the clouds.” I can honestly say, it really did feel like God’s answer was indeed that clear. I cannot thank you enough for the prayers, support, encouragement and awesomeness that you all have offered me along the way. I simply could not be here without you.

And you’ll have a HOME in Malibu in the fall! 

long overdue

This is dangerous because i am starting off this post uninspired and yawning. i slept 14 hours today so why i am yawning is beyond me. i suppose i needed the sleep, but i also slept around 16 hours a week ago when i first landed. maybe i still needed the sleep. who knows. what i would like to tell you, my faithful readers, is a brief explanation of what went down in my whirlwind vacation home and what my first week back has been like. oh, well first, susan was here for a week. and we had a FABULOUS time. i love that girl and was SO happy that she came to visit. it just makes me that much more excited for when Ansley comes in a few weeks. i. cannot. wait.

Trip home part one

I landed on December 24th, went straight to a closed Chic-Fil-A, defeated, settled for whatever food I found in the refrigerator and was asleep by 9:30. December 25th- church, honey baked ham and other delicious food, a movie and a pleasant and perfect day. December 26th- i caught up with some long-lost dear friends for some fun and then I went to Enterprise, AL for three days to see my college roommate annnd my precious dog I miss oh so very much. I spent two days in Atlanta, had a bunch of friends over, welcomed 2012 in a familiar dive in Buckhead and then Dad and I set off on a trip looking at law schools. We were in DC for three days with dear family friends and I loved the schools I saw there. I was incredibly impressed by their programs, but I am nervous I will not get in. We left snow in DC for the sunny highways of Miami, had a nice dinner in South Beach and woke up the next morning to tour Miami and St. Thomas. We caught an early flight and were back in Atlanta in no time.

The birthday surprise

 The next day, I drove to Tuscaloosa. I ran errands, worked on Dad's surprise present and gathered preparations for the New Orleans road trip. That night, I drove to meet up with Dad in York. Since this was the last day I would be with him, we decided to celebrate his birthday that night. Barbara surprised him at dinner; I gave him two presents he liked- Alabama duct tape being the favorite and then I announced we were heading to the country club for the real surprise. He was actually quite cooperative and was more than surprised when I handed him the gift in those familiar rocking chairs. It was cold and a little difficult to see by just one street light and the full moon, but the stars were bright and there's no where else I would have rather given him that gift. It took him almost three hours to read all of them. A deep, sincere and special thank you for anyone and everyone who wrote and contributed to the gift. I enjoyed reading them all as much as he did. Almost every letter mentioned his love for music. Some were sappy and sweet and others were stories I've heard many times and others were stories I had never heard. Sometimes, he would chime in additional details or correct the details that the author "got wrong." He laughed hard at many of them. His smile was huge and it made me feel great. Should you ever decide to do such a gift, my advice is to start early. I started on this the last week of November and it was not soon enough. There were around 70 letters total with lots of pictures and certainly met the purpose, "64 years of memories." It was a great success. Thank you for helping!

New Orleans Ridiculousness

The next day, exhausted from many days of running around, I willed myself out of bed to get ready for road trippin' to New Orleans. Friends swung by York to pick me up and we were off. New Orleans was a FABULOUS time. In my Facebook album alone, there are 28 people tagged in photos. I estimate that I knew over 200 people in that town that weekend, making the entire trip even sweeter than before. In fact, I didn't realize just how bad it would have been to be there had we lost until angry, bitter LSU fans were chucking beads at my head. Thank GOD we won. #14 was a beautiful win. ROLL TIDE. I was so incredibly happy I was there. It was really great. The only thing missing from the trip was a few hours at Tulane with one of my favorite professors from Alabama, but time was short, traffic was crazy and it simply wasn't feasible. Overall, the trip was a great success.

Leaving home to go home

Next thing I knew, I was laying in the backseat of Phillip's car, still in the outfit I wore the entire day yesterday, being drug home. I was thinking about how much I love those people, about how much I love being home (wherever that may be) and how much I didn't want to come back to Spain. Strange to feel that way, when originally, I didn't particularly want to leave Spain to come home. I started this blog based on this exact idea: where is home? what is home? this is something I am still struggling to decipher. I am not so sure. What I do know is that sitting on that Delta plane, I felt like I was going to vomit. I was leaving home to go home and I hate that these two different homes do not get to meet, do not get to understand each other and that it's just up to me to have each experience distinct of the other and each group of people separate from the other. It's strange. Perhaps these emotions were still lingering too prominently on my first day back at work on Monday.
Monday was a horrible day. I mean that, a really horrible day. I found out two of my roommate's have their significant other coming to visit (I want my non-existant significant other to come visit), teaching itself was a drag, I learned the place where I eat lunch everyday is owned by a couple getting a divorce and the mother and daughter asked if I would follow them to the new restaurant they're opening, I worked a double shift at the private academy... It was just horrible. I wondered what I was doing here, I was melancholic and pensive. The rest of the week picked up quickly though. Since then, it's just been back to the grind. I will be working on finalizing my applications this weekend and submitting all of them in the next few weeks. By the first week of February, it's my hope that I can relax and wait on an answer.
One thing is for sure: I am thrilled about whatever 2012 has to offer and that whatever it is, I'm going to make the absolute best of it.

Thanks for reading 3 weeks in 1 post. I'll do a better job of regularly updating with news and stories. Promise.

distance schmistance

For the last year or so I have been enamored by this word: distance. A dear friend's quote under her Facebook profile picture (when that was the layout way back when) was "laughter is the closest distance between to people." I do not think of distance in terms of meters or miles or feet but instead in something else. Perhaps I measure distance by effort. Or willingness. Or ability to demonstrate love.
   For the last week or so, I have been struggling with the idea of how exactly to put these feelings into words. I do not want to have a depressing post, but I also want to express something that's really been heavy on my heart, especially these last two weeks. I spoke on the phone with an ATT representative who gave me some really great news. She told me that any incoming text messages are included in my unlimited text plan. THAT MEANS YOU CAN TEXT ME FOR FREE (to my US number). I have 50 texts to send back all month for a measly $10. But if you have something you want to say or tell me and you're afraid you'll forget, you can shoot me a text right then and there!


Other ways to get in touch with me include:
-Both of my email accounts come directly to my Spain phone. Though, it seems that stephaniebrown.ua@gmail.com is more reliable. My phone buzzes when an email comes in like it does for a text or anything. I do my best to reply within that same day and am usually pretty good about providing you with an actual response as if we had just had a phone conversation.
-If I am at home, I am on skype. You can quickly download skype and create an account at www.skype.com. Even if you do not have a webcam, Skype chat is more efficient that FB chat and with less potential people chatting with you that you do not want to be chatting with. To set up a specific time to skype, just email me and we will coordinate. My skype name is stephanieebr.
-If I am at home, I am also usually on Facebook chat. FB is also on my phone so if you write on my wall, I receive it immediately. I am trying my hardest to weed out stupid messages from groups, etc and pay close attention to my messages inbox, so if you send me a message there, I will get it and reply like with email.
-My Spain phone has a Twitter application so if you @reply to me, I will get it immediately.
-You CAN call me, like normal, if you ever need ANYTHING, just like any other day.
-You can download one of the following and text with me for free back and forth from my Spain phone. The apps are called: WhatsApp and LiveProfile. If you download these apps, I will tell you my number/pin so that you can search and find me.

Maybe this list seems excessive. It demonstrates that I am not really necessarily thousands of miles away. The biggest barrier between me and you is the time difference. 9 hours for California, 7 hours for Central time zone and 6 hours for the Eastern time zone (starting when you guys turn your clocks back, until then it's one hour less since we turned our clocks back last week). I post these ways for us to communicate because I am frustrated with feeling like I am making efforts to remain close with the people that I care about and love so dearly and I don't quite feel like I am being met half way. I am not even sure who subscribes to this blog so I hope that no one feels targeted by what I am about to say. That is not the point of this post. The point was to make some clarifications and to continue to post about my everyday life here. Clearly, things that are heavy on my heart (and this is) are part of my life here. These last few weeks have been incredibly, incredibly stressful. I know I haven't blogged or posted about these things, but they are things I would LOVE to be telling my friends.
      Just a few words of encouragement from an email or a funny story from Tuscaloosa does quite a bit to alleviate that stress. I opened a bank account on Friday. After a lengthy battle with the laborious and ridiculous process for filing for temporary residence (necessary to prevent me being kicked out of the country when my visa expires in 60 days and also necessary for getting paid by the government, who is my employer), I finally got the paperwork started on the process. Though this is still quite an ordeal and there is no estimate of when I will have the identity card and number, I have done all I can do at this point and that feels really great. One of my trips in November is planned but the other one still needs to be planned. I got my LSAT score back and am now knee deep in applications. I am hard-pressed to decide which is more stressful. In case you have some odd notion that I am just frolicking around Spain, carefree and living easy. Between the madness of work, Spanish classes at night, law school every second I can force myself to work on it, and the other 123 I am always juggling, I've got a bunch going on (by choice, I should add). It's not that I don't understand that you guys aren't crazy busy too, because I know that. I know that things are happening with you and stressing you out and that things are crazy in your life too. That's why I feel this hole, totally clueless and uniformed and not for lack of trying. I'm not angry or trying to bore you with complaints, I'm just a little hurt.
Not that I am not doing well here or not making friends. They're just not y'all.
 I still need y'all is what I am trying to say.
I cannot put into words how much I have enjoyed sending novels back and forth with friends. Some of the conversations I've had on Skype these last few weeks have been some of my favorite conversations I've had in years of friendship.
Just because I am in Europe does not mean I am far away.