define your destination: family

This was previously posted unfinished in error. I apologize!

“Feel it burn in my soul, like a wound that is exposed

I need to run, I need to go.

I took my time, I got no more.

So take me somewhere I don’t know

‘cause home is not places, it is LOVE.

I told myself that it was fine.

No shame in the dotted lines.

But then, I woke in the night and raised my fist for a fight!

So, take me somewhere I don't know 'cause home is not places, it is love."

-Home Is Not Places, The Apache Relay

Wow! Had such a spectacular time in Atlanta. It’s always just beyond incredible to be home. I was proud of myself for actually managing my time well. Not only did I clear out ten bags of trash and organize several boxes to be donated, I found some awesome jewels squirreled away. Here a few of them:

Every Congratulations card from when I was born.

I also spent A LOT of quality time with a few of my absolute favorite people with some of my favorite foods in some of my favorite places.

With the help of a cherished family friend, I made my first ever batch of fried okra, and feasted with some of my favorite southern foods: mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, baked beans, cole slaw, VENISON from the farm this season, and pork chops. I was waddling home. I was on a strict eating schedule in order to get in all my favorite foods, but I was so thrilled to share those foods with such treasured people.

I’m so sad to be returning to CA, but it is also good to be back home.

Home is not places.

It is people.

I sat down to write you all an update on Dad - he is doing great!
It's such a joy to have him at my apartment, to be able to be so close and to spend so much time together. In my laundry list of factors going into my decision for law school, it was certainly a goal to be in California closer to where he worked. But New York and Miami seemed so much closer than Madrid, being in California wasn't the only factor. It's been so great over the last two years to grab dinner, to drop Grey off with him during finals, to go to his place for laundry for a weekend, and to play Nurse Stephanie... it should have been one of the only factors.

Since his first strange episode with dizziness and slowed heart rate that sent him to the emergency room, there has been a lot of prayer surrounding him. My thankfulness for the prayers and support that follows us literally all over the world is unwavering. I'm amazed at the people who I cherish so dearly, whose emails or texts really do deeply brighten my day and calm any fear or unease stirring. I am deeply deeply grateful.
But I will state raw honesty to say such a cloud of prayer makes me feel uneasy. Such a cloud hung over us during Mom's cancer. In a month, it will be 6 years since she entered golden gates. Walking down hospital hallways, even for the most minor of surgeries, brings back truly horrible memories. I find as I grow older, those who I cling onto in seasons of change, terror, and challenge are those who stood as giants next to me in that time. It's those who I don't need to tell about the brick in my pocket, making everything weigh heavier than it should, than it would for someone else.
I am grateful for all the unspoken words that have gone back and forth between me and that special crowd, and I will continue to honor our friendship in any way that I can. The North Atlanta family, my closest sorority sisters, our dearest adopted family in Oregon... wow, we have so much love for y'all.
This is not to say that we don't have some great support out here in California, but times like this, it is tremendously clear to me that real home is Atlanta. No one has showed up with a casserole! Real home is this nonexistent place where all of you are scattered.
I've witnessed some crazy prayers prayed this last year. From boldly asking for healing, direction, confirmation, arrest of perpetrators, for a Judge to grant a case, for scholarship, for grades, for safety... and I've also seen answers in the wildest of places.

A friend recently inspired me by listening to God in what seemed like an impossible way. People always talk about the "power of prayer" like it is some bold, mystical way of God responding to us. It is. But it is so much more than that. It is, if you really believe, His way of hearing us, smiling and saying, "if you mean that, then watch this!" Or perhaps other times, He hears and responds by gently shaking his head as he looks at the mural of our lives and says, "oh no, this is what you actually need instead." The power, is not in our prayer, its in God's ability to answer it. And what power He has! Thus, what courage we must have to ask Him to use such power to respond to our requests and our questions.

The invisible prayer cloud on Thursday must have been the reason why the Dr implanted the pacemaker underneath Dad's pectoral muscle instead of under his skin. This Dr probably did 20 pacemaker implantation surgeries on that day alone, and of all he has done in his career, easily 90+% have been under the skin. But after just a few minutes of speaking with us, he went in, against his routine and put it under the muscle so it would not interfere with scuba diving gear, a guitar strap, his backpack he uses to travel, or a gun strap when hunting. We were really thrilled, and it comes at a cost of high pain in the short term. A price he is willing to pay to preserve his lifestyle and his many hobbies.
I can't imagine that anyone prayed for the Dr to put the pacemaker under the muscle. But I can imagine that people, possibly hundreds, prayed for the Dr to have guidance, to perfectly perform the surgery, for Dad to be able to return to his normal lifestyle...
Makes me think this tag line would look good on a poster in a Sunday school classroom: "Careful what you pray for kids, you just might get it!"

"This is my prayer in the desert, when all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need, MY GOD IS THE GOD WHO PROVIDES!
This is my prayer in the fire, in weakness or trial or pain: There is a faith proved of more worth than gold, SO REFINE ME LORD THROUGH THE FLAME.
I will bring praise, no weapon formed against me shall remain.
I will rejoice, I will declare, 'God is my victory and HE IS HERE!'
And this is my prayer in the battle, when triumph is still on it's way: I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ!
All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship
And this is my prayer in the harvest, when favor and providence flow-
I KNOW I'M FILLED TO BE EMPTIED AGAIN, the seed I've received I will sow."
-Desert Song, Hillsong