Ritual Union

I travel for the glam and the gore
Reinventing yourself is such a big American phenomenon. I think retracing yourself should be as well. Perhaps you'll think I am overexaggerating, but I left a life here. I just abandoned it and started over. I have a habit of doing this. Thanks to this habit, I have stories that belong in a novel; I have friends all over the world, I have pictures worth 1000 words and I have scattered pieces of my heart in many places. Of course, I stuffed much of my Madrid experience into my heart and I always carry it with me.
I feel compelled to be up to my old habits, to go to all my favorite watering holes, and to love Madrid in the precise way I learned to love it. Unlike other times I've sought solace and refuge in the European continent, I didn't run from something this time, I ran TO it. However, I did not come to be transported back to being 22. I came to bridge my life now with my life then, and to make them one. This is proving very challenging- emotionally and physically. It's not fun to be on the Madrid time schedule and go to sleep at six in the morning then sit in a law school classroom three hours later. It's also proving a true test of the timber of my heart, to reminisce and to so clearly visualize the different turns and decisions I could have so easily made in a different direction.
This is not a post about regrets, but one about habits. "Ritual unions have got me in trouble again. I was wondering, of the white dress, and a mistress, a spirit holding my hand." (Little Dragon) This is a series of thoughts and fears about reaching into the future and into the past simultaneously. About redefining. About growth.

Traveling and globe wandering to the absurd extent that I have  boasts a lot of glamour. Let me remind you, in 2013 I lived for four months in Africa and four months in London. In 2013, my feet stepped on the sovereign ground of THIRTEEN nations. Oooh, you swoon, sitting at your desk. 
But there is also gore. 
It has immense challenges. 
I won't conflate such a discussion in this post for fear of you incorrectly thinking that I am ungrateful, or trying to make a statement that travel is not "all it's chalked up to be." Travel, in fact, is so much MORE than any one chalks it up to be, that it is a gift that keeps giving, keeps challenging, keeps pouring out blessings.
This harvest of blessings is hard on my heart.

Learning to strike the balance between roots and branches, yet how to mold my own past self with a new future self in order to be one content mono-polar human really has me pensive (and playing this song on repeat). 

Birds of a Feather Flock Together

I travel for people...

Its been an incredible blessing to be surrounded with some of my favorite people in the entire world this summer. Just to give you the correct image - I have about three incredibly precious friends from when I lived in Madrid that I am still close to today. Two of the four, I lived with at an apartment on a street called Rios Rosas. Cande, one of those roommates was my roommate nearly the entire time I lived in Madrid. Cande now lives about two streets over from where we used to live, and she lives with another Argentinian, who happened to apply to a program in Paris for the month of July. So, like something perfectly designed by the stars, I am living in her roommate's room and we are roommates again. Cande is leaving to return to Argentina in August and so I will be her first and last roommate while she lived in Madrid for three years. Wow, it gives me chills. 
The other one of those two, Gabriel, was in Madrid to complete his masters and now he works back in Brazil for Google (no big deal). I have been incredibly lucky to see Gab in Los Angeles last May, and to see Cande in Barcelona in October. But the three of us haven't been together since 2012. Until last Saturday. It was an epic reunion, and I want to cry just thinking about how incredibly beautiful and sweet it was to be reunited, in our city, at our favorite restaurants, discussing our favorite things. To add icing on the cake, Cande's boyfriend and my boyfriend were also there basking in the happiness and hearing some of our greatest adventures. Wow. 
The third, Melania, who I visited in Rome in October comes to Spain in another week. 
Other than arranging my living situation, Gab and Melania is completely coincidence and God's plan being far better than mine. 
I just LOVE it when a plan comes together better than in my wildest dreams. 
Through these great people, I have continued to meet more great people who are like minded and like-hearted. People who love the world and love the people in it. We've had great discussions over Rioja over the future, the gray areas, and hot-topic debates. It further reminds me that I travel for the people I have the privilege of sharing the travels with. I travel for those who travel with me, and for those I meet along the way. 

Gab and I at our old metro stop home

Brian and I at Retiro, Madrids equivalent of Central Park

REUNION

If its love, and we decide that its forever; no one else can do it better

If its love, and we are two birds of a feather 

and the rest is just whatever

We can be them, two birds of a feather that flock together.

Love, love, got to have something to keep us together. 

Love- that's enough for me. 

We can travel to Spain, 

it sounds insane, cause it is. 

We can laugh, we can sing, have ten kids and give them everything. 

Love, love, got to have something to keep us together. 

-If Its Love, Train

Official Announcement Declaring Madrid is Stephanie's Favorite City in the World

Take me to the docks,
there is a ship there with no name
sailing to the middle of the sea
water there is deeper than anything you've ever seen
Jump right in and swim until you're free
I will remember your face
because I am still in love with that place
when the stars are the only things we share, 
I've got a plan
I've got an atlas in my hands
I'm going to turn when I listen to the listens that I've learned.
-Benjamin Francis Leftwich, Atlas Hands

I am not wandering in this city. I belong here. I know these streets. I know the route. I know the tricks. Madrid is an old glove that I am just now sliding over my fingers, because last winter never got quite cold enough. It feels like the cozy blanket you crave when you're watching a movie on the couch. It is filling a space in my heart that I didn't even realize needed filling.

I forgot how in Madrid, you say "vale" at least 100 times per day. (It means "okay" mas o menos). I forgot just how good croquettas really are. I somehow had let the true taste of tinto de verano in the sun fade from my tongue. I return as if I just left last week. I forgot the Madrileño inability to wait on the pedestrian signal to walk, but rather, to intently watch the cars and to dart across the street at the first available second. I watch pairs of people walking along the street throwing their hands up in the air as they speak, talking over each other, laughing and taunting the other like they are stars of a comedy show.

It has indeed been too long.
I am not just still in love with this place.
Oh no, perhaps I am more enchanted and in love than ever before.
I simply cannot grasp how I left. And to think- I only crafted this scheme to come here in February! Perhaps I realized- my wanderlust, the atlas in my hands, was always directing me back here.  At least for this taste, for this moment.
I love this city. It's people. It's expressions. It's splendor. The buildings, the concrete squares that line the sidewalks, the little metal tables sitting outside restaurants lining the streets. The trees and how the sun shines through the clouds only on one side of the street. There are so many dear friends here and although we have 2014 technology blessing our friendship, the distance is meaningless and we sit at our old watering holes like we met there yesterday.
I have jumped back in, and oh how free I feel.
I am a happy, happy girl.

gotta learn to let me go over the rainbow

In less than a week, I will be moving back to Madrid. For me, a five week trip feels like a long vacation, but for others, five weeks is moving. So I will settle with somewhere in between. As I get ready to go back to Madrid, I find myself lost in a sea of thoughts about where I was when I left that city and who I was, what I was looking forward to, what I was leaving behind.

So much of my life in Madrid was like a fairy tale. I was living out a dream to live abroad. I was speaking a language I love. I met incredible people. I was traveling all the time. But I also didn't feel fulfilled. I hated the feeling that my most unique skills and passions weren't at work. I was acutely aware that that life wasn't real life. But for me, Madrid is a very special place. I left a large chunk of my heart there.  I have to agree with Amos Lee, we all need a place that we can go and feel over the rainbow. One of those places for me is most certainly Madrid.

I am filled with energy, excitement and enthusiasm about returning. I will live with my old roommate in our old neighborhood. I will see all of my closest friends many of whom have left Madrid but will be returning for a special reunion in July. I feel unbelievably blessed to be able to go back. It's like the stars have aligned. I'm speechless to think about it all coming together. It's no longer a plan or an idea, its real. I am returning to one of my favorite cities. I cannot believe that I get to show Brian another piece of my heart. In Spanish, that last sentence would translate into a verb that actually really means "teach." I will teach him about that piece of my heart, teach him about that place that I called home, that city that taught me. In just six days, I will be roaming my favorite old streets, eating favorite foods and... it's overwhelming all of my senses.

"Well I walked over the bridge, into the city where I lived and I saw my old landlord. 

We both said hello, and there was no where left to go cause his rent I couldn't afford

Well, relationships change 

and I think it's kinda strange how money makes a man grow

but the people on the street, on buses and on feet - we all got the same blood flow. 

we all need a place that we can go and feel over the rainbow!

sometimes, we forget what we got, who we are and who we are not. 

I'm in love with a girl who's in love with the world

though I can't help but follow

though I know that someday she is bound to go away and stay over the rainbow

gotta learn to let her go over the rainbow."

-Amos Lee, Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight 

 

You are very TALL

There is an intriguing cautious line that has been taunting me at work. I try not to be overly reflective, but it's been difficult for me to ignore where I was this time last year. This time last year I was in Rwanda, a country that taught me so many things, challenged and stretched me. I suppose this is the value of a true experience - a gift that keeps giving, keeps teaching.

Working for IJM, I learned to be bold. I learned how skilled I actually am. I learned to appreciate that I am a valued asset to an office. I learned that I did not need to be told what to do; I needed to seek out things to do. I observed a group of people that worked tirelessly toward improving anything and everything around them despite the odds and challenges fighting against all their efforts.

Our clients at Christian Legal Aid have no other resource or other option.

On one hand, I am a stupid law student with mediocre grades at a run-of-the-mill law school. I have little experience, and I have absolutely no clue what I am doing. I am not bar certified, I have not taken several key required courses. I have little experience with the California court system. I have never been in poverty or in the awful situations my clients are in. I am impatient and get frustrated when speaking with a mentally ill client who cannot express herself very well. I am not an attorney! I have a long ways to go.

On the other hand, I am an American law student with a lot of experience. I survived Rwanda for Pete's sake! I know how to Google. I have a computer and a working printer with ink and paper. I can read a court document and begin to fill it out. I can encourage a client. I have a smile to offer. I can ask questions that lead me to answers as I continue to research for a solution. I can learn. I am more of an attorney than I am not an attorney. I have no straightjacket on.

Our clients have no other resource or other option. If I can't do it, nobody can. And so I am a can-do almost- attorney. There is no other choice. Thus, you also are a can-do person. You are a person of great assets, of great resources, who can be of great assistance. Get out there and give someone whatever you have to offer. Don't say 'oh well.'  Further, we believe in someone who is the great I AM. And so, when you are feeling crippled by all the things you are not, hold fast to your believe in the I AM. And through Him, you can do ANYTHING. This is how law school teaches you- by throwing you into the deep end and watching you struggle to doggy paddle until you wake up to realize you're actually swimming just fine in an olympic race.

So this is a plea for you to fight the line between feeling like you "can't" and just standing up and getting it done. A few travel friends and mine always say, "Figure it out!" when we are traveling. Whatever challenge, obstacle or bridge you have to cross, you CAN DO IT.

And for those out there who you think you cannot help, the smallest thing you have to give could be the greatest thing they've ever received.
It is a powerfully humbling thing to be a part of.
Join in.