Free Refills

In a derogation from my series of Madrid posts, I wanted to write again about my experience working in Legal Aid earlier in the summer. Now that I've had some time away from it, it's easier to write about the challenges of working in such an environment.

One of my last days in the office, a man came in with a family law issue. He had just sat down when he burst into tears. It took him almost five full minutes to pull himself together enough to communicate that he had a child custody issue he needed our help with. This poor man's story was very complicated. He explained to us while using nearly a box of Kleenex about his three children that are all near the age of majority. His ex-wife had sole physical and joint custody and she wasn't allowing him visitation anymore. After asking him questions and trying to assess how to best address his custody order, we uncovered that he was also in tremendous debt. He owed thousands and thousands of dollars in another custody case from a previous marriage. He told us that he had a part time job, but that his entire pay check was going to Child Services to pay this debt. He told us about his mental health issues and his battle with depression and suicidal thoughts. I was overwhelmed. I was out of steam from dealing with clients so similar all summer.

This was client number twenty-two for the summer for me.
I was tired, not sufficiently caffeinated and completely emotionally barren.

I started to push through all of that and resuscitate some courage. Two other colleagues of mine and I started to work through the main issue - his impending court date in relationship to the current child custody issue.

About an hour into our meeting, we learned he is homeless.
Any strength I had just mustered evaporated.
I reached a total maximum.
It was like a newborn baby when they have sensory overload so they just look away or close their eyes. It's like that was my response because I had reached my emotional overload.
I excused myself. I walked into another room, opened my computer and started calling homeless shelters.

Legal Aid is a field of unimaginable hurdles and obstacles. In our limited scope representation, its very hard for us to feel we even scratch the surface on the iceberg of issues they have.

My colleagues continued to work for nearly three hours on his case, a complete aberration for our office. They poured their heart into encouraging him, and into giving him hope for a brighter future. I was proud of them. I was happy that they had been filled that morning, when I felt so drained.

I found him a shelter that would take him that night, and gave him all the contact information.
I do not know if he went there.
I do not know what happened at his court hearing.
I do not know if he is okay.

What I do know is that when I am dry, I ask to be refilled.
And He always answers.

captivate, cultivate, and chalk it up to basic needs

I travel to be still

Only I would say something as absurd as the sub-title of this post. The longer I continue to seek out travel, the more I realize it is true. I've had many of my best revelations, most inspirational moments, and most serious decisions made while on some form of transportation. Something about the movement, about the idea that in that exact moment I am not merely figuratively between places, but physically between places as well. I have major issues saying, "no." I realized this in college, but despite a cognizant effort to say "no" more frequently, it was still difficult to do it. I was instructed to draw lines in the sand and boundaries to ensure personal growth, moments of downtime, time to reflect and be still. All those things sound great, but I thrive on having too much going on. Even if I wanted to, even if I could, I can't say no. I've just started reading Crazy Busy, and in just the first few pages I realize that its true. The business is due to my own pride, and inability to let others down, my fear that if I do say no it will hurt my future opportunities. One of my closest influences constantly tells me that if I have too much going on, I'm not truly dedicating anything special to any one thing. And I do believe that.

But when I travel, I don't have to say no. There is something freeing about being unreachable. I'm not unreachable because I am selfish and turned off my cell phone for the morning or was negligent and left my phone at home causing others to worry about me or be incapable of contacting me. Oh no, I'm unreachable because it is expensive and inconvenient to contact me. There is something great about being able to walk from one end of the city to other and not feel that pressing NEED to be somewhere else. Yesterday, I sat at the pool, with my music and just thought. I just thought! It was wonderful. I did the same thing on my flight from London back to Madrid. Being still leads to being a better observer of what's around. Sometimes I don't actually need to be still, but just be not thinking, not active, not preoccupied, not consumed.

We need stillness. We crave it. We need it for our spiritual health, and we need it for our mental and physical health. If you can acquire stillness on your own, I think you deserve a big pat on the back, because I can't. I have to travel to get it. Fine, I don't have to travel, but its a strong preference of mine. I have to be moving in order to be still. And it's so bizarre because I can have this deep, rejuvenating rest for a few weeks and it affects me like a bear who stores up energy and nutrients for his hibernation. I know that because of this time, I can go back to my insanity and my overflowing plate and put in far more energy than I ever would have if I hadn't had this time.

Being "still" in the park last week actually meant learning how to juggle. Which is ironic because I can't juggle balls worth anything like what I juggle in real life. 

Sunset between London and Madrid 

Me thinking at the pool